of thoughts and wrestling ...

Hello.  so here I am.  rarely typing my thoughts, while my thoughts shut up inside me.  I enjoy Adobe InDesign, somewhat.  It's an interesting program.  And I enjoy Adobe Macromedia - I prefer it for the websites that I've published.  

And I enjoy the Book - Safe People by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.  Why on earth am i writing this?  I think that I'm filling in time - time I don't have.  I should be running off to the store to buy chips for the evening.  But I don't want to do that.  I just want to have time for myself.  Unfortunately, it isn't good if we don't have chips. Tonight is The Harbour, which is pretty cool.  It's a support group.  I am program director and there are others. I am also very much an attender of the group. 

I don't know what to do with my feelings when people I know are in dire consequences.  I find it difficult to process their difficulties and their ultimate demise.  One person that has been lost to our community here at my workplace/church is Brian Keeper.  Brian wasn't part of The Harbour, but he was part of the Church where The Harbour meets.
Brian Keeper
Brian would come to the Drop-in at the Church I work at, and he would come into the office to talk, or use the phone, or talk to a Pastor, or one of the Drop-in leaders.  I find I don't want to say what his difficulties were - I want to give him some respect in this way.  In the end, the end is just that - it's the end.  Brian was one of the people  living in the North End - I don't really know if he had housing at the time of his passing.  He may have been homeless.  He often was standing on the street - Main & Sutherland when I would walk by him - after getting off my transit bus.  Sometimes he seemed surprised when i said hello.  Other times he seemed pleased.  

I think that he was a brilliant man who had great difficulty with difficulties.  My heart ached greatly when I found out that Brian had passed on.  I wrestled with not having the exact details of his death; I wrestled with not knowing what to do with my tears.  I wrestled with the fact that... I wasn't prepared for this.   Right before Brian's passing - about a week - I talked to Brian at the door.  He was in one of his drugged fuelled rages - and I managed to tell him that I hoped that he would get through this that he would be okay.  I told him I was afraid for him, and that I wanted him to have a long healthy life.    Strange I wasn't prepared for this you know.  Just earlier - a year or so ago - we lost someone else dear to us - us meaning our community here on Main & Sutherland in Winnipeg,  so very dear to me also...   

Here  is a song "You Have Made Me Glad " by Hillsong,  sung by a friend... Barbara Young who sings at The Harbour.


Root Beer really is good you know.  I don't often drink it, but when I do, I think to myself, "Root Beer really is very good".  

We stopped in at A & W this evening. I had a chicken type spicy sandwich and those good 'new' fries. The new A & W  that is across from the new Ikea.

 I drove home by myself today through the snowy ruts.  Winter has decided to be wintry this year with blizzards and ice.  Imagine that. Good for you, Winter - no need to give up!  Don't let the 'global warming' chat-up cause you to rethink your role


John Deere Blanket

A stay at home day today.  Visited my dad in the afternoon.  Stayed home in the morning and evening.  Had great intentions to finish the latest blanket i'm working on.  John Deere print fabric on one side, green/yellow checked fabric on the other.  While working on this, and reading the many NEWS sites I enjoy that I've filtered through Twitter - Wikileaks, New York Times, Alternet, BBC News , The Economist , etc I also had the 2001 movie "The Man Who Wasn't There" running on the television. With all the media surrounding me, I did manage to make more headway on the blanket.  

 It isn't always easy to stay inside when I am alone.  And sometimes, it isn't always easy to be outside - out and about - when I am alone.  It's a 'mood thing' that's settled in - ... again.   It doesn't phone ahead and make a date to visit. The 'mood thing' has always been there, but I'm able to not let it defeat me.  I know to surround myself with good people.  I know to keep myself involved with things.  I have a deep faith in God that stirred within me even as a very small child.

Someone asked me the other day when we first found out about Bruce's cancer - Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL)  - it was February 22nd, 2010.  I was sitting at the office- (this time it was The Harbour office), when Bruce phoned with his blood test results. ...

"Chronic lymphocytic leukemia affects people in different ways. Usually, its progression is slow, and some people survive for many years even without treatment. In others, it may progress more rapidly and earlier treatment may be required."   

We're doing okay through this.  It doesn't defeat us.  It's always there though.   But each day of life is a precious thing.  Today with +30 C summer temperature, I spent that precious time visiting my dad, working on a John Deere Blanket, talking on the phone with Bruce, and being with myself. 


broken earth

"And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.

At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people. When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, "Surely he was the Son of God!"
Matthew 27: 50 - 54 (The Bible)
I wrote about Easter a few years ago. Click here to link to it.


silent is the house when it is after midnight.

Well certainly I have not posted on here for a long time - since February. Summer has come and gone - I so enjoy walking and bussing around the City in the warm Summer air. Summer came late, and stayed late.

I began reading Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray within the past two weeks. This is the 3rd time of reading this work, but has been a years since the first and second reading.

... snow covered my car last weekend. i was caught by surprise at the amount of snow in the air and on the ground. winter will greet me soon - this was just a preview. i must check on my winter boots for the state they are in - and buy new shoelaces for them. hopefully i find good laces.


Leaving Church on a January Sunday morning

at the end of a Sunday Morning service at Eastview Community Church
song is : All My Days by Glenn Kaiser


on Sunday afternoon i went for a walk.

Sunday afternoon I walked to Misericordia Hospital, to take care of an ear infection. Some of the photos are my walk, some are of in the Waiting room. In the first photo, ... some people brought their dogs with them.


Reading horror while trying to maintain a normal composure on public transit.

Almost finished reading The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer. I'm taking my time - reading while riding City Transit - the bus. The Canterbury Tales tales are told as part of a story-telling contest by a group of pilgrims as they travel together on a journey from Southwark to the shrine of Saint Thomas Becket at Caterbury Catherdral. The particular translation that I am reading, is translated from Middle English; but offers the Middle English translation on all EVEN pages, and Modern English on all ODD pages.

Before Canterbury Tales, I read ... well a few books, but a few books ago, I read Dracula by Bram Stoker. What an amazing read that was! Reading horror while trying to maintain a normal composure on public transit.

I'm involved in a ministry called The Harbour. it's a 12 Step Support Group. I am Program Director/Secretary-Treasurer - working along-side 5 others on a Board. I've been doing the work for it at an office where it is affiliated with , but will begin using my home office as much as possible. I began going to a Support Group after my friend committed suicide about four years ago. After being there two weeks, I was running the PowerPoint slides/projector for the group. I was eventually hired by the Church that the program was in, to work with that specific program. I worked with it for just over a year. That specific group was dropped from the church that it was in; suddenly the Elders decided that the 67 - 90 people that came every single Tuesday night were no longer important - so the program was tossed. (along with my job). In March of 2008, a group of people began to meet and talk about beginning a new group. The new 12 step support group officially began in June, 2008, with the name The Harbour. I've built a website for it.

blah blah blah blah. write write write write. that last paragraph was far too long.

It's Christmas time - the second Christmas without my mom... I really miss her.

here's a video of myself and a friend driving down Pembina Hwy in Winnipeg last year.


Mother's Day

i went to Brookside Cemetery today.  to see my mom's grave.  i really do miss her very very much. she died on September 17th.  seven months ago.  in a week, it will be eight months.  such gut wrenching sorrow i feel; when i think about her.  she had ovarian cancer.  the image will never leave me - of her acute suffering.  

i remember when her mother died.  my grandmother.  i remember how she wept.  she would often say "I miss my mother so very much" .  

my mom had a deep faith.  i was struck by her constant prayers while she lay on her death bed. while no longer having the ability to speak aloud, she prayed while barely having strength to move her mouth.  tiny whispers.  her hand moved in a small circle as to cross herself.  

she said good-bye to me.  she had no voice.  i raced through traffic to make it to her bedside.  my sister phoned me at work and said - bethy you better come now.  

it was like she was waiting for me.   her youngest.   her baby.  she always called me her baby.  i rushed her her bedside.  she tried so hard to speak to me.   i held her hand -  a gentle squeeze back from her.  and then she left this world.  i watched her leave...  me, her last child, held her hand during her last breath.   

can it really be?   that she is gone?   

I love you mom.  happy mothers day. 

K.D. Lang sings Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah

My mom is in the audience in this specific Video. She died in September - September 17th, 2008. Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I will never forget you.



...fingers too froze to message on my phone while waiting for bus #11
...songs escape-ing through earplugs two seats over - lyrics dancing in the air while tired passengers look out the dark windows
.......................... earlier in the late afternoon, k.d. lang's Hallelujah video on youtube ... while at my desk... before i shut my laptop;

uploading pages on a server........ adding fingerprints...

............... conflict. caught in the middle. friendship threat - ened ..... circumstances overwhelming ... sadness smothering me

...I didn't bring my sunglasses with me today, can't hide the tears that escape.. while on the back seat of bus #

... wipe my tears with my 8 ft scarf... while gathering glimpses of Christmas lighting - swirls, snowflakes - on the boulevard of main street............. as the bus races by ............ tires grinding.
........oh i miss my mom so very very much

... stepping off the bus onto the curb of the sidewalk ... my sore eyes stinging from the sudden wall of cold winter air ...

wrapping my scarf around and around and around ...


Bus #51

"it was late on a bitterly cold New Year's Eve. the snow was falling. a poor little girl was wandering in the dark cold streets; she was bareheaded and barefoot. she had of course had slippers on when she left home, but they were not that good, for they were huge. they had last been worn by her mother, and they fell off the poor little girl's feet when she was running across the street to avoid two carriages that were approaching rapidly. one of the shoes could not be found at all, and the other was picked up by a boy who ran off with it, saying it would do for a cradle when he had children of his own."
~The Little Match Girl - Andersen's Fairy Tales

when i was little, my mom and my aunty pearly read to me from Fairy Tale books. The Little Match Girl, and The Red Shoes were two of my favourite tales.

'this frightened her terribly and she wanted to throw off the red shoes, but they stuck fast. she tore off her stockings, but the shoes had grown fast to her feet. so off she danced, and off she had to dance, over fields and meadows, in rain and sunshine, by day and by night, but at night it was fearful."
~The Red Shoes - Andersen's Fairy Tales

i began taking boxes of books out of the small storage room in my apartment a few weeks ago. i bought a new white book cube shelf and placed it right beside another white book cube shelf in my computer room. the books are still in random stacks on the floor; and stuffed into cubes that were already full of other books and various things. it has been five days since my mom's funeral, and i wonder when i will find energy to arrange each of the books in the cubes of the book shelf.

i use public transit; standing outside at the bus stop, or sitting in the back of the bus, it's a favorite place to to be alone with myself. to scribble thoughts.

... a bottle with some added pepsi. and voices that grow louder... when i'm the only passenger at the back of the bus.


just waiting for the bus

I drove Bruce to the airport early yesterday morning - i think it was 5:45 AM; weather was clear and roads wet with the sudden onset of milder post midnight temperatures. By the time I arrived home a mere 45 minutes later, a blizzard had descended up on the city... looking out from my 16th storey balcony, the air was suddenly very cold, my sight of the city suddenly hampered by a wall of snow smothering the morning air. Sleep was calling to me, but I ignored it. Even though I had fallen asleep just four hours earlier, I knew that returning to sleep would mess with the mood patterns in my day. I picked Cheri up at 9:50 AM and we went to church for a few brief moments. I wanted to connect with my friends, my community - a church community of those who find connection and those who walk through the doors on a sunday to find that they're observing an organism completely foreign to them. it would fail to be a church community without both. self-absorbed christians are not a church community. instead a community in danger of morphing into their own static organism living within a sorry isolation. the danger is that in the end, the one's outlook can become horribly skewed - and that their resemblence to the other is not that much different. from this world - if we dare attempt to peer through the obscured lense to the next ; maybe we'll find that we're all just waiting for the bus.
I hope and pray that my heart continues to ache and care for those whose burdens near-blind them; that I won't shudder at their misgivings; that I will forever remember that I have been beside them in the very same place, and that it's only by the amazing selflessness of God's people who reached out to me, that I am where I am today. I hope and pray that I can continue to endure the subtle bullying of those who prefer to retain the status quo. I hope and pray that my heart will not become blinded to those of whom I once was. I hope that in the weeks and days and hours ahead, that I will find the strength to grieve that which I've lost... in all this.

Though the Lord is great, he cares for the humble, but he keeps his distance from the proud. Though I am surrounded by troubles, you will preserve me... Your power will save me. The Lord will work out his plans for my life - for your faithful love, Oh Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me. Psalm 138: 6-8 (from the Bible).


swimming around skeleton fisherman

fish are interesting

fish don't think
it's necessary

to act like someone
they are not

they don't
think they need
to pretend to 

but i like to
think they care
having to be
for that

i think
that I'm
not far

from their

swimming amongst
plastic reefs

swimming beside
skeleton fisherman

connecting with those
that connect with me

i think that fish
are independent



but choosing
to choose

other fish
like them

i think they're

to be
who they are

quite happy
to not
be bound

to the
unnecessary expectations
of others

but having
the heart
to care
for other fish

without the
false reward
of applause

i'm content
in my

with the
plastic reefs
skeleton fisherman


cause they don't have any feelings

Something In The Way
by Nirvana
Underneath the bridge
The tarp has sprung a leak
And the animals Ive trapped
Have all become my pets
And Im living off of grass
And the drippings from the ceiling
Its okay to eat fish
cause they dont have any feelings

Something in the way, mmm
Something in the way, yeah, mmm

Underneath the bridge
The tarp has sprung a leak
And the animals Ive trapped
Have all become my pets
And Im living off of grass
And the drippings from the ceiling
Its okay to eat fish
cause they dont have any feelings

something in the way, mmm
Something in the way, yeah, mmm


Billy Idol - Eyes Without a Face

apparently the images are disturbing... depends what your disturbance meter is I guess! I just happen to like the Lyrics. And I kind of like Billy Idol too!


September is almost over

Then Peter, filled with the Holy Spirit, said to them. "Leaders and elders of our nation, are we being questioned because we've done a good deed for a crippled man? Do you want t know how he was healed? Let me clearly state to you and to all the people of Israel that he was healed in the name and power of Jesus Christ from Nazareth... Acts 4:8b - 10a.

Drove into Calgary yesterday with my friend Lisa. We're staying at the Travellers Inn. It has Wireless Internet - yay! Lisa's using my HP Notebook and I'm using my Dell work Notebook. the adventure has been really fun so far. We leave Monday morning for Winnipeg. Our plan is to visit her dad (and her brother). I've been writing in my journal - well just places we've stopped and things we've seen --- like when the railroad man waved back when I had Mickey Mouse waving at him. That was 1:50 pm yesterday after the Moose Jaw 27 sign on HWY #1 West.

Listened to CD's all along the way
- due to lack of Radio signal. Veggie Tales, The Doors, Creed, Radio - Colin James, Breath 22(song) etc, Aero Smith, Carrie Underwood...

Work has been a mess all summer. Two people resigned amidst the mess. I've continued, of course, walked in everyday and sat at my desk and worked like crazy. Buried myself in my work. I've gone for walks during lunch times... isolation is often preferable. But I'm not one to give up. I prefer to face things head on and move forward.

just imagine...


broken earth

"And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.
At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split.
The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people. When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, "Surely he was the Son of God!"
Matthew 27: 50 - 54 (The Bible)

It's Friday. Today was my day off, but I went to work - to work on the Media part of the upcoming weekend service. During lunch time, my co-workers and I got into a conversation about things in the Bible. Things stated in various scripture passages, that are not explained or alluded to again. I mentioned that I'm curious about the dead people who walked out of their tombs. Dead people who were raised to life during the earthquake that happened after Jesus' crucifixion. I guess I could pick apart the passage - what they call an exegesis (an explanation or critical interpretation of the Bible). But I'm not too interested in doing that. I'm not a scholar, and not just that - life's too short to be so concerned about something that just isn't mentioned again. Or at least today is too short... But I do wonder, about those dead people who walked out of their tombs. What were their first thoughts? Did they suddenly realize that they were now alive? Or did they not realize that they had been dead in the first place? And what did the community around them think of such a thing? I imagine that even though the community was still immersed in the trauma of the current crucifixion (Jesus' death), that they would have noticed the dead people walking out of the broken earth. Crucifixion was common back then - it was the current form of execution at the time. What wasn't a common occurance, was the earth quake that resulted right after the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Back to the dead people --- if it happened today, would they hike off to the first 7-Eleven they could find to buy coffee and a banana-chocolate-chip muffin? Scripture states that they were holy people. So maybe that means that they wouldn't purchase cigarettes at the same time - okay so now I'm getting ridiculous... but possibly you get the drift.