I have fridays off now...

Hope gives us the power to look beyond circumstances that otherwise appear hopeless. Hope keeps hostages alive when they have no rational proof that anyone cares about their plight: it entices farmers to plant seeds in spring after three straight years of drought. "Hope is seen as no hope at all," Paul told the Romans. He mentions some of the good things that might come out of difficulties: "Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." He lists hope at the end, instead of where I would normally expect it, at the beginning, as the fuel that keeps a person going. No, hope emerges from the struggle, a byproduct of faithfulness. Phillip Yancey from his book Reaching for the Invisible God... I started a new job on Monday. I went into it with alot of mixed feelings; instead of looking forward to a new challenge, I found myself saddened by what I was leaving behind, but not sure what exactly that was. I started that previous job shortly after we moved into Winnipeg. It was a place where I was able to place my physical self while I was waiting for the rest of me to emerge from my previous life. I worked hard to establish myself as a Professional at that workplace and made a few really good friendships. But most of all though, that was the place where I settled while life went about causing disturbance in my soul. It was the place that I pulled myself out of bed to get to 5 days a week for three and a half years - a workplace is always much more than just the job itself. It's also the community that you end up being thrust into and being surrounded by. Not like school where you can choose your friends and then move solo with them amongst the masses until the year and course of study is completed. While I was at that workplace, I began to become involved in a church and then had to pull away from it - that was a hard thing for me. I then went to another Church and tried so hard to become connected to it - I joined the sewing club, which meant driving in snow stormy weather to a community centre building on the other edge of the city, and helped with creating a large curtain backdrop; I joined a small group bible study; I helped with creating the Christmas bulletin, I helped with the powerPoint slides, and so on... And then my friend Darcie killed herself and life around me kept moving forward while mine stopped. And suddenly I was questioning my purpose in her life.. what could have I done to prevent her act of self destruction. And suddenly I was questioning my purpose and wondering how I was going to make it through the day - I'd go to bed at night wondering what the next day could possibly bring to the cloud of sadness and despair that was smothering me. At that point, all I could do was ask God to make me wake up the next morning - and He did. I can't explain it any other way. A friend had a remembering time at his house one evening shortly after the funeral/memorial service, and so of course I went; and that's where life took a turn - not that I realized it back then. I was introduced to some people I didn't know; and one of those people was a Pastor at this friend's church. What stands out in my mind about the Pastor is that he had those painted flames on his truck; and that he had a depth within him that only comes from an actual encounter with Jesus - I remember feeling somewhat disturbed by that. There are alot of Christians out there who are saved (sorry for that bad word); who have made that commitment to Jesus Christ but I question their actual encounter. What is really odd, now that I look back, is that a month later, I took up the Pastor's invitation to come and see him sometime. I didn't go to that Church. I didn't know that Pastor. I even ended up going to the wrong building for the appointment and so was almost late. a year later more happened. My aunt's 16 yr old grandson was murdered; my son's friend committed suicide; I was attacked on the way to work... Where am I going with all this? Basically, this was life happening. I don't know what else to say... and I didn't know how to express my pain audibly. It's like the words suddenly stopped when Darcie died. Silence moved in. I've always written things - my poetry and ramblings in my Words file on my hard drive; and my numerous on-line blogs, are evidence of that. Meanwhile I continued on occasion to go see the Pastor (Gerry), joined that church and have stayed; all the while at that previous workplace. So while I was at that previous workplace, it wasn't the previous me from the previous town in that previous life that emerged, it was a different me that emerged...