Remembrance Day - John Hugh McKenna and me.

This morning I went with my friend Susan to the Remembrance Day ceremonies at The Convention Centre. My take on the whole ceremony is that I never really know how I'm going to react during the whole ceremony. I tend to stay in observer/reflective-mode... while trying to hold any emotions inside of me. Today's ceremony didn't cause the stirring things within me to overflow; as was the case last year - last year I openly shed tears. I think that it's okay to react either way. Today's Remembrance Day ceremony made me keenly aware of the fact that the grieving process really never ends. Or maybe it isn't allowed to end because of the yearly reminder. Although there will always be yearly reminders other than Rembrance Day for others who have lost a parent. And it isn't about me anyway. I do know that I will always wonder what it would have been like to have had my birth-father as I was growing up. As a little kid, I was acutely aware of the fact that he just wasn't there because he was dead. I was going to list examples of my friends with their dads and my inner reaction at those times, but ... that's rather redundant. Even as a child though, I was always aware that he will have experienced pain as he died. As I was sitting through the Remembrance Day Ceremony today, I would occasionally look over the crowd around me and wonder how many of them were 'once a kid just like me' - I think it'd be interesting to hear other's stories. But life is life, isn't it? We move forward and things hit each of us differently at various times. I find it interesting that the Bible is quoted and Christian hymns are sung at such a public event as Remembrance Day. As a Christian, I am well aware that there may eventually be opposition to that. This past week, someone at my workplace emailed a video to each of us in our office - A Pittance In Time by Terry Kelly. I'd hear it playing here and there and find that sadness would threaten to overtake me. ( Back in June, I placed the video onto Youtube and then on to my myspace page. If you aren't able to find it there, then here's the Youtube page. ) My birth father's name was John Hugh McKenna. He was born in Rutherglen, a small town outside Glasgow, Scotland. He died during a Training Mission while at CFB Gagetown, New Brunswick in Canada. He was 29 years old.

I have fridays off now...

Hope gives us the power to look beyond circumstances that otherwise appear hopeless. Hope keeps hostages alive when they have no rational proof that anyone cares about their plight: it entices farmers to plant seeds in spring after three straight years of drought. "Hope is seen as no hope at all," Paul told the Romans. He mentions some of the good things that might come out of difficulties: "Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." He lists hope at the end, instead of where I would normally expect it, at the beginning, as the fuel that keeps a person going. No, hope emerges from the struggle, a byproduct of faithfulness. Phillip Yancey from his book Reaching for the Invisible God... I started a new job on Monday. I went into it with alot of mixed feelings; instead of looking forward to a new challenge, I found myself saddened by what I was leaving behind, but not sure what exactly that was. I started that previous job shortly after we moved into Winnipeg. It was a place where I was able to place my physical self while I was waiting for the rest of me to emerge from my previous life. I worked hard to establish myself as a Professional at that workplace and made a few really good friendships. But most of all though, that was the place where I settled while life went about causing disturbance in my soul. It was the place that I pulled myself out of bed to get to 5 days a week for three and a half years - a workplace is always much more than just the job itself. It's also the community that you end up being thrust into and being surrounded by. Not like school where you can choose your friends and then move solo with them amongst the masses until the year and course of study is completed. While I was at that workplace, I began to become involved in a church and then had to pull away from it - that was a hard thing for me. I then went to another Church and tried so hard to become connected to it - I joined the sewing club, which meant driving in snow stormy weather to a community centre building on the other edge of the city, and helped with creating a large curtain backdrop; I joined a small group bible study; I helped with creating the Christmas bulletin, I helped with the powerPoint slides, and so on... And then my friend Darcie killed herself and life around me kept moving forward while mine stopped. And suddenly I was questioning my purpose in her life.. what could have I done to prevent her act of self destruction. And suddenly I was questioning my purpose and wondering how I was going to make it through the day - I'd go to bed at night wondering what the next day could possibly bring to the cloud of sadness and despair that was smothering me. At that point, all I could do was ask God to make me wake up the next morning - and He did. I can't explain it any other way. A friend had a remembering time at his house one evening shortly after the funeral/memorial service, and so of course I went; and that's where life took a turn - not that I realized it back then. I was introduced to some people I didn't know; and one of those people was a Pastor at this friend's church. What stands out in my mind about the Pastor is that he had those painted flames on his truck; and that he had a depth within him that only comes from an actual encounter with Jesus - I remember feeling somewhat disturbed by that. There are alot of Christians out there who are saved (sorry for that bad word); who have made that commitment to Jesus Christ but I question their actual encounter. What is really odd, now that I look back, is that a month later, I took up the Pastor's invitation to come and see him sometime. I didn't go to that Church. I didn't know that Pastor. I even ended up going to the wrong building for the appointment and so was almost late. a year later more happened. My aunt's 16 yr old grandson was murdered; my son's friend committed suicide; I was attacked on the way to work... Where am I going with all this? Basically, this was life happening. I don't know what else to say... and I didn't know how to express my pain audibly. It's like the words suddenly stopped when Darcie died. Silence moved in. I've always written things - my poetry and ramblings in my Words file on my hard drive; and my numerous on-line blogs, are evidence of that. Meanwhile I continued on occasion to go see the Pastor (Gerry), joined that church and have stayed; all the while at that previous workplace. So while I was at that previous workplace, it wasn't the previous me from the previous town in that previous life that emerged, it was a different me that emerged...

Jeremy ...

I went for a bike ride this evening - from Osborne St. Village, and then past the Broadway Bears on Assiniboine Ave, crossed Main Street, entered The Forks, went along the Esplanade Riel Pedestrian Bridge to Provencher Ave/Tache St. on to St. Boniface Cathedral.. and walked among the gravestones. Searching for a place of rest and an 'honest' space to allow myself to face my grief, and drop some tears on the grass. Tomorrow (July 18) is a year since Jeremy, my son's friend, took his own life.

of missed bus routes and Divine Deception

I copied this from my myspace blog... does that seem lazy? no actually, I'm working on school work and .. it's a crazy life!

monday I took the bus home, and I got carried away reading my book.. I'm reading a journal on various topics of theology; I was reading an article by Ken Esau (chair of Biblical Studies at Columbia Bible College) about the use of Divine Deception as a war-time tactic in the Exodus story; obviously I got caught up in it because suddenly it occurred to me that the bus was driving much too fast for St. Boniface. when i looked up, i realized the bus had taken me way past my bus transfer stop. because i moved back into winnipeg just 3 years ago, and own a car, i have not had to familiarize myself with transit routes and bus numbers, so after i stepped off the bus, i then walked - from Main & Broadway to my place. it was a long walk home. I strongly recommend the journal - Direction - A Mennonite Brethren Forum (Volume 35 No. 1 ) Old Testament Scholarship. ... oh, and i also learned that it isn't a good idea to read while walking ...

drawing pictures of myself

a self portrait of myself...
half the the people in my world call me Beth
and the other half call me Kathleen...

flannel graph Samuel

this is our cat, Holden Caulfield. although in December, he moved in with Sonny. placing Holden's photo here obviously has nothing to do with this blog.
lately, i've been reading the book of 1 Samuel (from the Bible). Samuel's mother Hannah had previously been barren, and in her prayers, asked God to give her a child; and she had promised God that she would give that child back to Him. after Samuel was born and she had weaned him, Hannah took him to the temple to live with Eli the priest. and so thats where Samuel grew up. being a mom, my mind barely comprehends that - taking my child to live somewhere else? ... another thing that stands out right in the beginning of the book, in Chapter 3, was when Samuel, as a boy, was awakened by the voice of God calling him. He thought though that it was Eli calling him and so would run to Eli's room. That happened 3 times, with Eli telling him each time to go back to sleep. Eli realized the 4th time that it was God's voice that Samuel was hearing. at this point, what comes to my mind are the Sunday School flannel graphs that 'aid' in telling the story. I remember when i was a new Christian and i was helping out in the Sunday School of my Church, i was taken aback by the flannel graphs and various other teaching aids, that I couldn't help but view as attempts to 'dumb down' God's Word. i think that we insult the intelligence of our listeners when we attempt to make Bible world an easy place to have lived. no matter how young the listeners are. in fact, what stood out the most for me at that time while i was moving flannel graph Samuel along in flannel graph bible-story world, was the fact that samuel had recieved a vision from God - a vision that he was afraid to tell Eli. and which happened to have been omitted from that very lesson. so instead, the sunday school kids came away with only part of the story. they had been 'spared' from the truth. ...

Isaiah 6:1-9

Isaiah 6:1 – 9 happens to be one of my favorite Bible passage.

What I find significant about it is that, as imperfect as I am, as we are - that we have permission to approach the throne of God; that He sees fit to allow me to do this. God, in His infinite holiness and majesty, welcomed and still welcomes me into His presence.

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple.

Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying.

And they were calling to one another: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."

At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."

Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar.

With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

He said, "Go and tell this people: " 'Be ever hearing, but never understanding; be ever seeing, but never perceiving.'

books books

current reads:

Learn Perl in a Weekend
J.D. Salinger: Catcher In The Rye
Pope John Paul II: Crossing The Threshold of Hope
Chalmer F. Faw: Acts - Believers Church Bible Commentary

moving

Well I haven't posted on here forever. In fact, since my last Post, I moved - sold my house and moved into an apartment. So much nicer...
plus I've been posting on my other blogs.